Time And Emotion
I read something this morning, written by my former love and admittedly over a year old, following a very ugly messy breakup (nothing ends well, else it wouldn’t end). It was a rant, written in her own specifically profane fashion, one that I used to find amusing, charming and even quasi-intelligent. Now, like so many other things, emotions yellowed by time, I’m not so sure.
I’m not really sure of anything where that situation was concerned. Like any painful loss or bereavement you eventually learn to deal with it, by not thinking about it on a daily basis in an active fashion. I.e: you force the loss from your mind.
It’s been a year or so since she and I ‘broke up’ (a laughable term to me now, as I realise we were never truly together in the first place), and knocking on two years this October since I last held her in my arms. It is true time does have a way of dulling emotion. You become less raw as more of it passes. I honestly do not know how I would feel to see, hear or speak to her again. It’s one of those situations where one wouldn’t know whether to hug or attempt homicide.
I know that, speaking for myself only it would seem, that in spite of what happened at the end, I still carry attachment to her in the form of still fond memories of the brief time in which our lives and bodies were joined. What she now may or may not think of me is inconsequential. Mere catalyst for escaping a bad marriage or not, I for my part did love you Kindra. Heart and soul. Hurt causes anger, can lead to hate and therefore hateful actions. We both made mistakes in dealing with one another. Mistakes that if they’d been thought through and handled correctly could have lead to an enduring friendship as opposed to a, what?
Burning hatred?
I don’t feel that way, now.
Now I don’t know what I feel. And yes, I do sometimes look up at the moon late and night and wonder where you are and how you are. But I’m not at the beach, dressed in black or howling your name.
I’m just saddened, that it had to end that way. That vanity could not give anger it’s due in order to move on.
